12 April 2010

Staying the course

As predicted, getting out of bed WAS rough this morning. My leg was so stiff from the Charlie horse. insert explicative here. I also have a nice scrape on my leg where my shinguard trapped sand and rubbed. The joys of being knocked down on the um... sand? I might as well be playing in the middle east. Just so you can love it as much as i do, i've included a picture. last night in the shower i had to scrub it super hard to get all the dirt out. that didn't suck at all. Then i had to pour peroxide on it, which felt really nice. Then i put neosporin on it. It was quite uncomfortable to sleep with, but what could i do? cut off my leg? So here it is. My nastly leg scrape from playing soccer and drawing fouls. Sure i could have stayed on my feet (most of the times i was fouled) but what fun is that? Its much more fun to make the ref blow the whistle and get the other team frustrated. When you take your opponent out of their game and get into their heads, its over. You make them play your game, and they can't. That's called strategy. Only the great players will play through the calls and not let it frustrate them. I've been on all sides of this strategy, but having the upper hand is where i prefer to be. 

I'm sure you're grateful for that image. Hopefully you've eaten your dinner by now. Good thing I am not planning a wedding. This would have been quite cute in my dress. The dress that I got married in, BTW was one i purchased on a sales rack in 2002 for $20. Upon purchasing the dress, i exclaimed, I will get married in this dress. Of course, I didn't. But then i did. So i was right. I've probably gotten more wear out of that dress than almost any of my other dresses, and it was by far the cheapest. I have between 10-20 dresses. A lot of them I am getting rid of because i never wear them. That's the hard part about a dress. You wear it once and spend so much on it. My wedding dress was probably 1000$ after all of the custom alterations and what not. Its hanging in my closet upstairs. A place i hardly ever go. I can't sell it, it carries with it bad karma. I can't keep it. I guess i can get a big fat tax write off and donate it? who knows. So there it sits, in my closet. Doing nothing useful. I have 5 bridesmaids dresses too. One i've worn twice. The other 4 i have not. Two red, one pink, one green, and one blue. 
   Here is the one i have worn a few times. I almost look like two different people.  Interesting isn't it? a hairstyle can do a lot to a woman. Ah, and the shoes in the pic... those are the shoes that i mourned yesterday. discontinued OF COURSE! 

I have to go to bed in 75 minutes. I'm trying to get to bed early so that i can get my work done early. I'm pretty off routine. I showed the jeep today. I think I found a buyer, and if everything works out, i'll have cash in hand by the end of the week. Just in time too. I have taken over ownership of the Scion XB, which has grown on me over the last few weeks that i've been driving it. I quit driving the jeep except to show it.  That way it just sits in the garage and stays clean. 

I haven't seen rick today. we have talked but only briefly. I think it is starting to get easier. Not that I dont miss him. That is far from the truth. But reality is sinking in, and i am pressing on. My friends have given me great words of encouragement. That really has helped a lot. As Kristin P. stated to me, God let the isrealites out of slavery, He parted the Red Sea, and led them into the desert. At first they were so grateful to be free, and once they got to the desert they started groaning and complaining. They couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel so they panicked and wanted to go back to slavery rather than blindly trust God. And despite their complaints and distrust, God still provided for them. I think this is when it rained Manna. which literally translates into "What is it?" Everytime someone asks me what is it? i say, manna. they say what is it? i say manna. it goes on and on. its' like Who's on first, one of my all-time favorite comedy routines. I can't get enough of it. So I didn't read this yet  (not since years ago), but Kristin reminded me of something in sharing this story. She reminded me that God did bring me here and He's not going to suddenly leave me hanging. and that what i've been saying all along, how i need to just trust and have faith, if i have a bad attitude about my situation then I'm not showing faith. I have had a bad attitude lately, and i'm really sorry about that. Theres only one person that needs to hear this, and I'm certain he will.

And unlike the Isrealites, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know where this path is leading me. I don't know the details of what is in store, but I do know, at the end, cheering me on, is a loving and faithful husband. And the rest of my life, to be spent by his side, if only i can get down this path all the way to the end. He is at the end of this tunnel. Being married to him makes me want to just give up and take the express lane to the end, but I know, beyond all doubt, that I am supposed to stay the path set before me. Rick was put into my life at the perfect moment. Because I might have either quit altogether, or taken another detour. I have been on this path since 2004, and I have taken countless detours.  Whilst on this path for the past 5 1/2 years, I have been married, divorced, and married again. Not to mention the multitude of trials I faced while married, and the many trials faced while getting divorced and thereafter. None of the trials would have been set before me had i stuck to the path. But I am distracted by shiny objects, pretty things, loud noises, nice smells, warm weather, vacation upon vacation and even more vacations, from surfing trips to Costa Rica, to a few weeks in Europe, dozens of trips to South Florida, beach trips, late nights, parties, soccer trips, a few funerals and trips to see my parents along the way, throw in the fated meeting of the Love of my Life, 18 days in the Middle East followed by his trip to visit me in which we were ultimately married, and there you have it. I of course, left out the dark, ugly and tragic detours upon which i ventured. It doesn't matter. The details don't matter. All that matters is that I am STILL on the same path. If this were not the path intended for me to travel, it would have disappeared, dried up, vanished. But it is still here. It isn't too late. 
I'm on the last leg of the journey, and I'm very much reminded of the 800 meter race I used to run. You go hard the first 600 meters, and then the last 200 meters you just sprint and give it all you have. I was really good at that last 200 meters then, so why not now? I guess I'll need to blog less if i'm going to win this race.... Keep cheering me on, i'm almost there

3 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you and your attitude right now. I love the way you talk about your love for Rick and how much he means to you. You are strong, determined and almost there....it will be so worth it....God Bless your efforts and remember you have a new mom and dad caring, loving and praying for you both.........Hayward here

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  2. Ouch! Speedy healing to your leg, Jennifer. Sounds like you have a few other hurdles to tackle too, but your mindset is going to get you through them just fine.

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  3. When you figure out what to do with the first dress let me know. Mine is sitting in my mom's closet. A complete waste of $3300 but I looked good. The second dress is the one that counts. It was for a day we actually used our heads for instead of just marrying for the sake of doing it. We have a lot in common. However, I don't play sports. None of us Beeman's do. You will have to work on your kid big time, to get over the non-athletic Beeman genes. Rick doesn't have it either. Cross country and squash don't count. He was sucked at little league too, but at least he tried. But that is only thing wrong with us. Okay it isn't you will have to figure all our bad stuff out now that you are bound to us by law. Love KLEBM

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