09 April 2010

Bahrain, we have a problem.....

Last night was a tough night. Ricks apartment is without internet the past few days and it has been rough on us. I am able to call his cell phone (local to Bahrain). Its costs us about $0.35 a minute, but to me, to hear his voice it is worth it. Since we have SKYPE I hardly have to call his cell phone, so our costs have been minimal, but for about 20$ we can talk for an hour. That’s not all that bad. I use an iPhone app that makes it a bit cheaper, and we typically talk for about a half hour or less.

I had a great day yesterday. I worked and then went out to dinner with my friends for Vanessa’s birthday. She is 33 and one of my close girlfriends here. She has 2 beautiful children, and a great husband who is also a dear friend of mine. He and I were actually friends first as we play football, er… soccer together (forgive me, he’s British). We grew quite close, and because of that, I insisted that if we were to remain friends, I would have to get to know his wife better, because I don’t believe married men should have female friends that are not also friends with the wife. Trouble brews when members of the opposite sex spend time together if either are married. Now that we have been put together, I cannot imagine not being her friend. I know for sure they will come visit us when I move to the Middle East. They are quite well traveled themselves, and are always looking for a new adventure. Me too!!!

We had dinner at this nice little place in downtown Raleigh because we were able to sit outdoors. We laughed so much; it was really a great time. Vanessa and I are always laughing, mostly due to our sordid sense of humor. Don’t get me wrong, we keep it clean; we just have this understanding of one another and what we are saying that it really doesn’t need to be said. She is part of my trivia team on most weeks, and because she is German, often contributes her diverse knowledge of European culture, that some of us Yanks just don’t get. Hopefully Vanessa and her daughter Sarah will come over in the near future to play. I have these wonderful Dance Recital Costumes from when I was a little girl that Sarah would LOVE to play in. My mother saved them for me so that when I have a daughter, I can let her play dress up with them as my sister and i always did. If I end up like my sister with 2 boys, then I suppose it will have been for naught, but for now, I hold hope that I may be fortunate to have at least one girl. Since in reality, I want four children, and hope for 2 of each, I might just get so lucky. Rick wants 2 only, and that has often been the case for me as well, but most of my life I have really wanted 4. I think it stems from babysitting the most wonderful 4 children in the world when i was 14 to the age of 21. Two boys followed by two girls, and I would love to have it just that way. But I am not in control, and at the present time, I would be grateful for even one child. I have all the time in the world.

After returning home, I was utterly exhausted. I chatted with Rick on my drive home and then said goodbye. It was raining quite heavily which was great to wash the pollen out of everything, including my dogs. The sound of the rain would have made for a nice quiet background for my much needed sleep, but my mind was racing with so many thoughts and ideas that I just couldn’t go to sleep just yet, so I logged into my computer and watched the last few episodes of Gray’s Anatomy on fancast.com. After that, I still wasn’t too tired, and so I cleaned up my house, put away all of my laundry. Finally unpacked my suitcase from Texas (yes it was still packed), and crawled into bed. I got really down because of the distance proving to be difficult for me, and had another conversation with Rick, we prayed together, I read my bible and prayed, and then, around 3am, I finally went to bed, more than exhausted.

Today I woke up feeling much better. My house was a cool 70 degrees because of the storm that continued through the night. I leave my HVAC off during this time of year and my windows and doors open. It creates such a nice breeze throughout the house. My bedroom opens onto the deck so there is the draft running throughout the entire house. Rick is still without internet, but I suppose he managed to find a connection somewhere, because I had these nice emails waiting for me this morning cheering me up and trying to make me feel better. I have so many things to do right now in order to get to where i need to be (with him), and every now and again it boils over, i grow anxious and shut down. But he is the best husband i could ask for. He says just the right things to help assuage my fears and doubts and anxiety about my tasks at hand, and i know he means every word because i know him so well.  A lifetime of love letters I can certainly handle, but right now, that is all I have of him. His words are all I have.

We both went into this marriage knowing it would prove difficult, but fully confident that it wouldn’t be that bad. I have been married to Eric Donald Beeman for 22 days, 13 of which we have not been together. We thought for certain that we would have no trouble, since a majority of our relationship has been from a 7000 mile distance.. The first time I saw Ricks face it was Wednesday morning on January the 6th. 93 days have passed since that moment, and of those 93 days, we have only been in one another’s presence for 32 of those. That’s 34% of our time spent together in the flesh, the rest has been spent together via Skype. I don’t think we’ve gone more than 24 hours without seeing each other’s face (or the live image of his face) since the first time we talked. Don’t get me wrong. Rick and I have been getting to know each other since December of last year, but once we opened the gates, our loved flooded through and we have been inseparable ever since. In a virtual sort of way.

The more days that pass, the lower my statistic becomes. Since our percentage is a direct proportion of days spent together = 32 divided by days since we first went Live, and the latter number increments by one (every day), and the numerator is a constant until we meet again, we are growing further and further apart, statistically speaking. If we do not see each other until the 14th of May, it will have 25%. 5th July, 17.78%. See how this is working?? Last weekend, It struck me. Rick and I have only been apart for 7 days. ONLY 7 DAYS? Wow. It felt like a month. I never thought I would feel the distance as I am. It is gripping at me and taking away my oxygen. Its like the air here has suddenly become so thin and I am struggling to breathe. This I know, sounds so dramatic, but its true. It has only been 13 days since Rick and I said goodbye. So why does it feel like months have passed? At this rate, then next time we’re together, it will feel as though a year as passed until he moment our eyes meet. And at that point, it will seem as though no time has passed at all. I am shooting for a travel date of no less than 25%... meaning. I need to get to Bahrain by the 14th of May. If it isn’t possible, I’m not sure how I will ever breathe again…

Sleepless nights turned sleep deprived days,
Just wandering ‘round in a constant haze. 
The air so thin I can hardly breathe…
The distance between makes my soul grieve,
Ive lost not a thing but it feels like my life .
Oh constant sorrow, unwanted strife,
End this torture, each lonely night
My eternal joy – show the end in sight

2 comments:

  1. how strange, you sound like a statistician....is that how you spell that, I'm impressed.........hayward here

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  2. you can do it love! I'll pray for you guys it must be tough I can't even imagine.

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