01 March 2010

Thoughts from the air...

A little something i wrote from the sky:

I’m on a plane headed back to the states. The last 17 days have been amazing and my heart is so heavy. I would have to say my departure from Bahrain was just as poetic as my arrival. We walked to security where I checked my luggage and met Rick back outside. We split a Cinnabon and a coke. He walked me back to security, and we embraced. Tears streamed down my face and he kissed me hard, lip to lip, in what felt like a good long minute, it was probably a mere 10 seconds. He finally let go, looked me straight in the eye, and I hugged him again, embraced him hard, and then I let go, and walked away. The tears were falling even harder, and I looked back a few times. He said some things and made me laugh. The tears remained. I had my carry-on luggage scanned again, and walked towards my gate.  I looked around the corner because I could hear a voice yelling I love you Jenni… It was Rick. Like a lover running along a train, he ran along the gate and watched me leave through emigration.  I looked back until I could see him no longer. Tears and pain stung my heart. I am so sad. It was all I could do to get on the plane and take my seat. Now nearly 230am, I got settled into my seat, watched the start of a movie through tear stained eyes until they couldn’t bear to remain opened, and I fell asleep.  I’m so sad right now. I arrived in heathrow after a 7 hour flight. I slept about 4-5 of the hours. I hastily got off the plane knowing rick would be awake. Anxious to call him and tell him my first of three legs was over.  Finally I got a wireless signal and called over skype using my iphone. I do love technology.
Even now, my heart pains. I cannot imagine many more days without him. To be honest. I cannot fathom living an entire day without him by my side. At least to see him for a brief moment once a day: To look in his eyes, pray by his side, hold his hand, touch his face, run my fingers through his hair, run my nails down his back, touch his cheek with the side of my hand, look into his warm eyes and feel the safety of his embrace. I am so sad.  I imagine when I go home I will frantically begin to pack up my house, sort out my belongings, and get the rest settled so that I can be ready to move away.  I am nervous to leave my home and my dogs and my life, and I will continue to pray that my company will choose to keep me. 
I want my career. But more than that, I desperately want to be with my future husband.
My time with him was brief but enough; enough to know that we are made for each other. We both have rough edges, but I will work on mine, and he will work on his, because we both desire to be better people for each other. Its not about changing the other, its about striving to be the best us we can be: Because our love is that great and because we want nothing more than to sacrifice ourselves to make the other happy. And we are so happy. I have no doubt of any of this.
The next few months are going to be rocky to say the least. 7050 miles of separation with an 8 hour time zone. The challenge now that we have each other is going to be far greater than it was before we met in the flesh. But the flesh, Oh the flesh. His smell, his look, his face, his touch, his gentle kiss, his embrace… the way he holds me to make me feel safe. The way he reassures me that everything is alright and that with just one look in my eyes I know that he is sincere. I know that he is exactly who he says he is and that he will try to do exactly what he says he will do. And if he doesn’t, its not out of intention but rather because of human error. And we all have that don’t we? We all forget to do what we say we will some times, we all exaggerate out of convenience. 8 is 10, 180=200… rounding is normal. But the heart of the person, the root of it all, that is the most important thing to analyze. And if there is no ill will... which there is not, and then it is all ok. I do love my fiancé, and I cannot wait until the day we get married. It may be a lot sooner than you think. It may be a lot sooner than even I think.
Honey, I’m home…words I heard the other day as Rick barged in the door from a long day at work, and it won’t be long till my home is no longer here, and my life begins anew once again. I can’t wait!! If Rick is there, I will go anywhere: As long as I get to be by his side.  The separation now will be quite unbearable, but soon enough, we will never have to part again.

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