07 March 2010

Starting Over

The beautiful part about making mistakes is that you are always allowed to start over. AT least in my life. Now of course, there are often consequences to bad decisions, but the fact remains, just because you mess up doesn't mean its over.

Now there is another kind of starting over. Starting anew. Fresh beginnings.

You see, I have a great job, a nice house, 2 sweet dogs, and no debt outside of my mortgage. I am living the American dream. And I am living it well. But what if this is not what I am supposed to be doing? I have begun to ask myself, am I open to the possibility of major change?
Of course, agreeing to marry a man who lives in the Middle East, that speaks volumes about something, but what about letting go ? Am I really going to be able to let go of all this excess baggage and start my life over? Round two?

To really look at the answer to this, I had to spend a lot of time searching for answers, guidance and wisdom from God. I really feel like the more i sit on my couch nursing this cold, and the more dog hair i pull out of my [mouth, shirt, couch, pillow, pants, socks, i can go for hours on this] the more i realize. yeah. i can give it up. I love these dogs, but sometimes what they need more than anything is a loving home where they will get more attention. I'm still not sure, but the more times i do laundry, and have to sift out the dog hair from the wash, and the more i sneeze from the tickle of pet dander and dog hair... the more readily i am to just let it go.
And then there is my house. I love my house. It is not big, but i bought in a great location and it is worth well more than i paid for it. My house needs some work, and I am pretty sure that I am supposed to finish the house to the best of my ability in order to get the best profit in return, but .... with the home comes memories, and not all of them are good ones.
My house was a foreclosure, and I was able to really design it how I wanted to which is super great. BUT, this is where my ex husband and i lived together after we got married (for the entire 16 months) This is where a lot of abuse occurred. I have many deep scars from this place. And while I have done a wonderful job making it my own and eliminating the scars and making it a happier home... the memories might never completely fade, and part of letting go and moving on IS letting go and moving on. So a new roof, floor, and a bathroom await, and a front porch that is rotting, and some woodpecker holes, some drywall patching, and really i'm not sure where to draw the line. A house can eat up your entire savings and then some. I suppose wisdom says, consult with an expert and get done only that which will provide the best return.

So while I love my home, and did a great job changing it from a haunted house to a happy home... I think soon enough it will be time to let it go. I"m in an awesome school district, and hopefully will make enough profit to sink into a CD with a high return for when i come back to the US one day.

NO, i'm not leaving yet, but letting go is a process.

I do not think that i will have to completely leave my job, but if i do, it is because I will choose to trust God and follow His will for my life. God just wants me to surrender, and to admit that all of that which i have is not even mine, so hoarding that which He has given and given quite generously is selfish and not the point of his blessings. So now the only question i have to ask is.  Why am I being led into the desert? I have no idea. But I have learned that i am better off not questioning God, and just following. I know I haven't always trusted and followed God for my life, and typically followed out my own will, and that has just led me into a pile of trouble and heartache and pain and a lot of wrong turns. So blindly trusting seems like a much better option to trying to follow my own logic and reason. Of course I was still given this brain to use, but my will is quite strong and it is time that i lay aside my stubborn and unyielding self for a while and see just where this road leads. Worst case scenario: i have an amazing time with a wonderful man who wants nothing more than my happiness. I can live with that.  Best Case Scenario (which i firmly to be in play here) I have not just an amazing time, but an amazing life with my soon to be husband Because God is a mystery, his plan is not yet known to me, and I don't believe my simple mind can even fathom the depths of that which he has in store for Rick and myself. But I am certain this adventure is far from over. We've only just begun.

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