18 January 2010

Ridiculously ridiculous

I have decided that I am being ridiculously ridiculous. What do i mean by that?
Well, it is ridiculous to think the way i think and to act the way I act some times. Am i in love right now? Absolutely! Is it ridiculous? absolutely!

I had a pretty poor attitude today about some things that I am not comfortable sharing with anyone else aside from the one that I have already shared with. I was not comfortable with my attitude either. I was being ungrateful, selfish, and pretty much throwing myself a huge pity party, feeling sorry for poor little me. What the heck? I am not pathetic. I am not lacking in anything, and I am certainly not alone, but I sure felt that way. I tend to get ahead of myself... and sometimes when things don't go exactly the way I want them to go, I want to pitch a fit, throw a tantrum, pout, and fight to have my way. Of course, I am no longer a three year old, so i don't do this in reality, but i felt like it... and that feeling had to count for something awful. I want what i want, when i want it. But life doesn't work that way. The thing about being Jennifer is this. I can control ONE person, and one person only. And that is me. You are in charge of you, i am in charge of me. Thats it. You cannot control me any more likely that I am to control you. Sure there are manipulative people in this world. The world is full of that. I know this all too well. But here's the thing, walk away. You can't control me, so don't even try.

After being a part of an emotionally abusive relationship that was rife with manipulation. Most of the time emotional abuse is just that... Abusers abuse so that they can control. And that is what it is all about. Control, which IS the ultimate goal of manipulation. Now i know - there is someone reading this that knows what I am talking about. Either because you have been the victim of this sort of abuse and manipulation, or because you yourself are the abuser. When someone puts you down and makes your sense of wellbeing and love dependent upon the way in which you respond to this sort of treatment, that is abuse. Period. When someone tells me what a horrible person I am for what I did long ago in my past, and lets me know how lucky I am that they would even consider loving me, and how nobody in the entire world could possibly love me like they are able to, only because they can forgive me, but will hold this knowledge over my head any time they want to squeeze the life out of me and get me to act and do and say and think and feel the way they want me to... Well that's just messed up. You cannot, i repeat, cannot forgive someone AND hold the past hostage. Its an either/or process. You either choose to forgive and accept, OR you choose to remember and begrudge. The latter is the most unhealthy choice you can make for either yourself, or a "loved" one. And I use quotes because I know, without a doubt, that this is not love. LOVE my friend, is unconditional. LOVE cannot be held ransom. LOVE knows no contingencies. LOVE is. That is it. LOVE IS. And if you find yourself in a situation where your thoughts and feelings are being provoked based upon how another chooses to let you live, then RUN. Because I did not know this and I had to discover the hard way what love really was, what it meant to be loved, and how small i really was until I was able to stand tall. And for 5'4", I AM TALL.
My sense of well being and purpose comes from within. My emotions cannot be controlled by any other human in the entire world, not even Rick whom i love dearly. Sure i will become sad, sure i will become hurt, and sure i will be filled with joy, hope, fear, and so on... BUT these are choices that I will make.

Manipulation is an evil tool. Somewhere early on, as a child, some learn it. They learn from watching a parent, or perhaps a friend. I'm not sure where some of us pick up this nasty habit, but think about it. When you are three, and you don't get your way, you will probably melt down. You will scream, cry, yell, hit, do whatever it takes to see if you can get your way. And those of you that got your way, you just mastered Manipulation 101. Welcome. You receive some sort of joy and high from this newfound ability. You learn quickly that anytime you don't get your way, you can repeat these processes until you break the person down, and you learn it well. Suddenly, before long, you are an adult. Your parents still fear telling you NO because they are afraid you will stop loving them. This is real. I cannot make this stuff up. I have observed this first hand and fallen victim. Because at one time, I was not good enough to be loved, and i was so lucky to receive this conditional love. Who was I kidding? I was so desperate for love, that I thought this was how it was meant to be. That love was conditional and only through proper action would i receive. This is absolutely SICK. I cannot fathom why anyone would act this way, but I see it. I observe it. And i know it exists, because we learn from our parents. They train us, condition us if you will...

So for about an hour tonight, i felt ridiculously ridiculous. And then a wonderful thing happened. A friend called me and we talked. It was a great phone conversation (i'm not one for talking on the phone) but this one was a good call. And well timed. I was still in a rut though, and then another even more beautiful thing happened. My sister called. She is absolutely the best friend i have in the entire world. I love her. LORI - you are a wonderful mother, wife and sister, and i am grateful for the example you have set before me. There. I had to say it. MY older sister is constantly being asked if she is my twin. We are a year apart, but i'm flattered to be compared to her. I love her. And she called me with such perfect timing, that I feel as though God Himself placed these calls at just the right time. And the calls ended and suddenly i was free. The attitude that I had that was absolutely ridiculous was lifted, and it won't come back. Because I am aware of what I was doing, how i was behaving, and who it was affecting. And i fired off an email, apologizing for the previous one, and asked for forgiveness. I know I am forgiven and that this was a bigger deal to me than it was to the recipient, but that is the beauty of it. I call it Self Awareness, and it is one of my strongest attributes. I am self aware. I know myself. I know why i do what i do, and i know why I feel what i feel. It is the best feeling in the world - to know thyself and to thine own self be true.

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