13 January 2010

A Case of the BLAHS

I feel blah.... I think it has to do with my loneliness. I am quite lonely, especially now. I am flying to Bahrain in four weeks, which means I will be on an airplane this time next month headed to see Rick in person. He has filled the void, but in a way, meeting him has made it worse. Now that I have found him, I can't imagine life without him, so it only deepens my longing to no longer be without him. I literally cannot imagine spending another day without him, but i must press on..... I think I am utterly exhausted, and that is why i feel so Blah! It has been quite a challenge to keep up with my work and develop this amazing relationship over vast time and space. When I go to bed at night, Rick is just waking up, so we get to see each other face to face. When I am waking up, he is midday/end of day so we get to see each other again. I can honestly say, i am worn out. We are slowly developing a routine, and practising better discipline, but we are so smitten, we just want to be together. That is all we want. I am hoping that my trip to Bahrain will get him out of my system, but I only fear the worst... I can't help but to project myself to the day I have to leave Bahrain. I can't imagine kissing him goodbye one last time and getting on the plane. I cant' imagine letting him go. I'm actually crying right now because this is my harsh reality. Even though i am so excited about seeing him for the first time and spending so much time together, I can only imagine, how much harder that time together will make our time apart. I have never even kissed this man, but I am already imagining kissing him goodbye, and boarding the plane. I am going to be such a wreck I can already tell. The tears that are flowing from my face tell me that. I have to stop thinking about that and start projecting to the day i step off the plane and see him face to face for the first time. These tears keep coming because I am so overwhelmed with emotion. How wonderful it will be to see him, but knowing I will have to let him go again..... I have pulled myself together. I have to be optimistic. I have to be joyful. I have to delight in what I have to look forward to. I have experienced more ups and downs in the past two weeks that I have in a long time. There are so many thoughts that I cannot escape. Leaving my home to be with the one I love. While being with him will be so great, being away from this life that I have built for myself, That will prove to be a challenge. I have so many friends that love me dearly, and I never realized it.. But there are so many here. I was explaining to rick, I have so many fathers, uncles, and big brothers at my workplace. Since the field of statistics and the world of sports are both dominated by men, I have many men in my life. They are all so protective of me. They all want the best for me, and they all want to see me happy. My coworker ML has even offered to fly to our India office at the same time that I'm in Bahrain so that I can call him at any time to come rescue me. While I appreciate the thought, I think it would be more appropriate for me to call him on the 27th of Feb and say, You need to drag me out of here because I cannot bear to pull myself away.

who knows. Maybe I will hate it. Maybe rick won't live up the his legend... Maybe he will be less that I deserve. Maybe he will walk with a gimp and it will be more than I can stand. Maybe he will work the entire time and pay such little attention to me that I get so angry that I immediately head back to the airport and send myself home. Maybe he will lock me in a cellar and feed me nothing but rice cakes and..... who am i kidding. All of these "maybes" are quite ridiculous. This is the man i fell in love with so suddenly. And he wants nothing more than to adore me and take care of me..... Couple warm weather with a man who wants to adore me, and you've got a recipe for my favorite dish. Anyone that knows me well knows, that is pretty much all I ever wanted.

When i joined eharmony, i did not expect to meet anyone so sudden, and I especially did not expect this. This. This is quite amazing and wonderful, but really here was my thought process. I will join this website and give it a try. I will meet a few people and see what is out there. People kept telling me that there are so many great men out there that are still single, so i had to see for myself. And since I kept meeting a different version of the same guy here at home, I really wanted to see what else was out there. Who else was out there. Did another type of guy really exist? I only wanted to test the waters, maybe meet a few people, go on a few dates, and possibly find "the one" by the time I was done with school so that I could be ready to get married again once I finish my dissertation. Start a family. etc etc...

Life is surprising to say the least. My parents are wonderfully on board with all of this. And I have pulled myself together, ready to work a few more hours, and remember to live the life I have now, not the one I am hoping for. With one foot out the door, I have to drag my leg back in and be who i am right now. I need to live in the present. The here and now... My friends will be grateful for that. I am sure they miss having me around. I've been quite distracted to say the least. Here's to keeping myself grounded.... at least until i soar again.

2 comments:

  1. How did you know I walk with a gimp?

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  2. your mom and dad called me last night and told me all about it. They asked me to please not make fun of it. After all, you're still such a sweet sweet man.

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