23 January 2010

14 camels?!?!?!

An "anonymous" reader has asked how to email me. I have updated my profile with my email, but if that is too difficult, sloan.jenni@gmail.com is the word. Feel free to email away. Comments are always welcome, invited even. I would love to know that someone is reading this and what they feel they should say to me. I'm actually a bit eager to see who is trying to contact me and what they have to say... anything? I am open to it. All of my friends have unique opinions and feedback, and while it is hard for me to not just turn away from the ones that clearly have not read my blog on being skeptical of my situation or just simply don't care to believe that this could in fact, be exactly as Rick and I believe that it is... (ahhhemmmm), I am not easily swayed, and am armed and ready to answer any questions that are thrown at me. I had mentioned before in an earlier blog about speaking to my therapist about my situation. He is absolutely not trying to dissuade me about my relationship with Rick, nor does he seem to be leery or reluctant to believe that what i say is real. To be honest, Dr. Y. has never read a blog until mine. I am his first. I am glad that I had invited him to read along, because I feel as though he will get a much deeper understanding as to who I am than the person that I can convey in our weekly sessions, though I must note, he does know me better than most anyone, and has been instrumental in my emotional and spiritual recovery, a process that began a little over two years ago. I don't for one minute think that going to therapy makes you a defective person. Some of us just need someone that is absolutely neutral to bounce thought, word and deed off of. Someone that can look at your life without any involvement other than to listen, and to point out what he sees and hears. Often he will depict my language to him as I would never interpret, but he provokes deep thought and intuition. I like that I know myself and am able to say to him, This is what i did/thought/said and this is why I think it was so.... And he will neither agree nor disagree with my statement, but will simply point out patterns, behaviour, allegory, metaphor, and incite answers to the questions that I had yet to ask myself.

To some, seeing is believing. To some, there is an alloted amount of time to process information and to go about certain things. I don't agree with this. I know many people that never met their spouse before the wedding day, or merely met the spouse for a brief interview of sorts. These marriages work, and a lot of them are full of joy and love. Honor and Respect. Did you know that I am worth 14 camels? And not just any camel, but some pimped out camels with GPS, air conditioning and the works. Now clearly this is all in jest, but to think that I could be worth 14 camels, my daddy would be so proud. I had to fact check with some friends, because to be honest, I was a little disappointed that I was ONLY worth 14 camels, but I was reassured that this was quite a large dowry. Nonetheless, this is all in jest, Ricky surely won't be sending any Camels to the Carolinas. My father will rest easy knowing that. I mean, who raises a camel in the Carolinas anyways? I know we have a strong tobacco culture out here, farms and all,but I think that is Joe Camel, and he flies solo. At least from what i've observed. So instead of 14 camels, which perhaps equate to the price of a luxury car, especially if these camels are pimped out as stated, then we'll just take that and invest in some precious jewels.

I have totally digressed from the subject at hand. What i am trying to say is that, I am 29 years old. I have been married. I have a great career and plenty of education. I aspire to finish my degree in the near future (months people months) and have been working diligently on this said degree... My point is. I know what i want. And i have a restored faith in God, and in man. At least this one. He has opened up his heart and soul. We were both sort of searching aimlessly before we met. WE were both looking for exactly what we wanted, toying with other options, but often becoming disinterested, bored even. Not fully satisfied. The connection that he and I made was instant, and as my mother said tonight, Jennifer, you will know the minute you meet him - her exact words - she will support me in what I decide - my interpretation. No pressure here. Absolutely none. I talked to her about my skeptics and sought her opinion and she was absolutely wonderful. My mother never ceases to amaze me. You would think she would be such a critic, but she isn't. My mom is AWESOME!!!!!! I love her. Always have. Always will. Moms and daughters have a special bond like that. We can't explain it. We just are. But DAD, i am not discounting you at all because my father and I also have a special relationship, that none will replace, but dad is different. Dad is here to protect me, and I think there are times that he feels that perhaps he might should have protected me from some of the hurt earlier in my life, but wasn't able to. Most of that was my fault. When you distance yourself from your father because you, yourself, are trying to be independent, when you disregard his opinion, his advice, his command even (the rules the suggestions, the warnings etc) Then you are cutting off that line of communication that I really feel would have been crucial in protecting me from so much hurt and self-destruction. But i wanted what I wanted when i wanted it. I wanted so badly to grow up and become a woman and trust in my own judgement. Who was he to tell me how to live my life. I was quite adamant about becoming my own person and since he was full of so many rules and the word NO, I think there were a few years that I closed off my heart to him, I definitely closed my mind. I am sorry for it Dad if you are reading this. I am really sorry for shutting you out. HE could have protected me had I let him, but I was too stubborn (wow, i am just like my dad) and while i don't regret becoming the woman i am now, I think my life might have been a little easier if I just would have listened (Wow, this is chock full of allegory here and if you don't see it feel free to ask and i'll gladly explain) To my father, I think deep down, I will always be the little pigtailed girl that ran around to ball fields and shooting ranges and driving ranges and wherever else it was that Daddy wanted to take me, i was so there. Then i grew up, and daddy wasn't as cool anymore because I liked boys and daddy didn't like that. I rebelled and while i don't condone who i was or how i behaved, it was what it was. I am who i am because of my experiences. Back to the hotdog analogy.
But you know. I've been burned in love, but i am still here. I survived. I am alive. What's my point? I could very well crawl into a hole and die. I could very well settle for something short of what I deserve (again), but I won't. I believe that this man is my gift from God, and that although I have not been the best woman I can be, every day is a new day. I get a second chance at life, and I get to start over right now. You can too. Its quite simple really. Just because you made mistakes and did things you are not proud of, that doesn't mean that YOU are a bad person, you just simply gave in to your sinful nature. We all have that sinful nature. But we also have One that will enable us to overcome that nature, resist the temptation, and begin life made new. That's the chance I have, and while this is something that I have known for quite some time, something that I have exemplified in fits and spurts over the past 11 years, I have resigned myself from running any longer. And i embrace the change, I embrace the heart of God, and I embrace the opportunity to live my life, as I see fit. Because this is my life, AND YOU CANNOT STEAL MY JOY. I am certain of that. My joy comes from God.

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