18 August 2009
Chasing after Mr. Wrong because it feels so right
Oh boy do i know how to pick the winners....
I don't. I pick the fixer uppers.
My therapist once told me, There are hundreds of houses on the market, ready for sale, yet you always lean towards the foreclosure, or the one that needs a lot of work.. You go for AS IS rather than move-in ready.
Well maybe I'M NOT MOVE IN READY EITHER!!!!
The "good" men that want to date me... The men that seemingly have no major issues/flaws/ etc... I ignore them. I evade them. I play so hard to get that they forget i was ever fair play.
BUT the bad boy....
the "man" if you want to call him that. The man that drinks too much, smokes too much, parties too much, has no financial stability, or if he does, squanders his money as though it would burn a hole in his pocket if he were to leave it there....
That's what i seek.
Do I like to fix things? sometimes, but no....
Do I like a challenge? well yes, but that can't be it.
Oh i know. I don't think i can do any better, and find that if i pair myself with someone that isn't any better, or perhaps a bit worse, then i am the queen.
My therpist today told me i was the queen, but of what? Queen of the desolate.
Why am i so afraid that the good boy, the one that has it all together... why am i so afraid that my checkered past will ruin any chance of a future?
why am i so afraid that unless a man has done all the bad things i've done, he will not be the right man for me.
What about forgiveness? isn't my past just that? my past?
I can't figure it out.
I have a thing for a boy . He's incredible except for a few hangups
but i know his heart is good. He hasn't an ugly soul...
And that to me counts more than anything. a beautiful soul.
Ugly souls cannot be changed, but a few stains on the carpet, and a little recovery will take one far in life.... AS long as the possessor of the soul is willing for growth.
I was also asked: Name three ways he makes me want to be a better person and grow?
I might have thought of one, and then 2 bogus others to make three, but only one was credible, and even then it was based upon my merit, not his.
If he doesn't make me want to be any different than i am now, does that discount him from the race??