21 June 2009

Sigh, love is a beast....

Happy fathers day to any fathers out there.

Love is a beast. For me, love is a four letter word. Love is also a beast because it comes on four legs... In my world.

I admit. I loved a man that once loved me madly, but now simply admits the he "cares about me...." Sounds like the ultimate write-off to me.
I can do whatever I want to do because he was really busy... What does that mean? Once upon a time he told me he "loved me and would do anything for me no matter what he would make it work."
So for a while I freaked out and OBSESSED about this situation and what it meant, and over analyzed EVERY little word and detail of our interactions, convinced myself that it wasn't over, meanwhile I WAS DOING ALL OF THE WORK TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED, when he wanted it. But ONLY when he wanted it. I was available most of the time because that's all I did for a while was make myself available but keep myself busy.

So i played sports, LOTS and LOTS of sports, and then there is this PhD that i'm supposed to be working on right this very second.. Hold that thought, i'll pick up here in a minute.

BUT maybe this IS what i need to do for me. Back off, finish. Do my thing. Establish myself as a person before i get involved. You have to love yourself first right??

BUT, what is it with men. Telling you they'll give you the moon, but then suddenly...
do they freak out b/c they are afraid? do they only say those things for the obvious reason of them getting what they want.. Once they get it, what then??? Is the thrill of the chase over?
Do we need to start waiting longer? Do i need to hold out until marriage????
Did he mean any of the words he once said to me??? All the talk of love and a future together... why did it all suddenly change?
Nonetheless, i was so afraid of failing another relationship after a failed marriage, that i didn't listen to any of the warnings my brain threw my way early in the relationship.... I just wanted to succeed, despite the fact that he was not the right one.. Gladly i discovered he was not and was able to move forward with my life. wasting time on the next wrong guy....
But here's a point i thought to make:

"WHY BUY THE COW? " dad always says...

It's true. LADIES! We are giving away free milk here. Why do our men have ANY incentive to buy the cow???? There is none.

A female co-worker once told me, "Men will get away with as much bad behaviour as you will accept. They will test how badly they can treat you and still get away with it. "
Meaning, if my man treats me like crap, and I still keep him around, where is the incentive to stop treating me like crap?
Oh sure, you say, he'll change. No way. Men don't change, in fact, they only get worse. Yes men CAN change, BUT it will be because THEY want it to. Not because you want them to. Big difference.

We must put our foot down. Sure women are empowered and we can do and call whomever we please, BUT PLEASE, think about this. Men need to feel as though you are something worth catching. If you give yourself freely, well...
i don't know any of the answers....
My problem is that i love so hard, and i love endlessly, and i will love you no matter what, unless you beat me or mistreat me, but if you are afraid of love and cannot embrace it. If you are scared. Then you are not good for me, and eventually, my affection for you shall die... and with it you will also go. Never again allowed to toy with my emotion. You only get one shot in life, and i'm not wasting my precious time... He (any man) only gets one shot in my world.
Love is tough, but if you don't put it out there, if you don't allow it to happen. Well then i feel sorry for you. Because while heartache hurts, The power and emotion of loving and being loved, allowing those feelings is absolutely worth the risk of the tears. Because maybe just once, you will kiss the right Toad... Until then, there's a lot of men out there, Don't give up.
But don't let any may hold you back either. You can't hate yourself for loving too much. It is the nurturing woman inside of you. Just hold her back...you'll know when the time is right.
I hope.
Surely this cycle can't continue forever.

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