31 August 2009

The beginning of the end.... of my 20's!

 I celebrated my 29th birthday on the 29th. It was awesome! My golden year has begun and only good things to come this year!

I am taking myself to Europe for 10 days and am thrilled!

18 August 2009

Chasing after Mr. Wrong because it feels so right

Oh boy do i know how to pick the winners....

I don't. I pick the fixer uppers.
My therapist once told me, There are hundreds of houses on the market, ready for sale, yet you always lean towards the foreclosure, or the one that needs a lot of work.. You go for AS IS rather than move-in ready.

IT's true.
The "good" men that want to date me... The men that seemingly have no major issues/flaws/ etc... I ignore them. I evade them. I play so hard to get that they forget i was ever fair play.

BUT the bad boy....
the "man" if you want to call him that. The man that drinks too much, smokes too much, parties too much, has no financial stability, or if he does, squanders his money as though it would burn a hole in his pocket if he were to leave it there....
That's what i seek.


Do I like to fix things? sometimes, but no....
Do I like a challenge? well yes, but that can't be it.

Oh i know. I don't think i can do any better, and find that if i pair myself with someone that isn't any better, or perhaps a bit worse, then i am the queen.

My therpist today told me i was the queen, but of what? Queen of the desolate.

Why am i so afraid that the good boy, the one that has it all together... why am i so afraid that my checkered past will ruin any chance of a future?
why am i so afraid that unless a man has done all the bad things i've done, he will not be the right man for me.

What about forgiveness? isn't my past just that? my past?

I can't figure it out.
I have a thing for a boy . He's incredible except for a few hangups
but i know his heart is good. He hasn't an ugly soul...
And that to me counts more than anything. a beautiful soul.
Ugly souls cannot be changed, but a few stains on the carpet, and a little recovery will take one far in life.... AS long as the possessor of the soul is willing for growth.

I was also asked: Name three ways he makes me want to be a better person and grow?
I might have thought of one, and then 2 bogus others to make three, but only one was credible, and even then it was based upon my merit, not his.

If he doesn't make me want to be any different than i am now, does that discount him from the race??

23 June 2009

All good things in due time....

This is what makes me smile Every Day....

I am ready for a change. I am going to finish my PhD! Not sure when, but i will finish.
I replied to email from my ex-husband today.
He sent me a message telling me:
"I'm 4 months completely sober. Just thought it was cool. Well I hope your doing ok. I think it's dumb that we have to try to avoid eachother. I don't have a mean bone in my body towards you. I think we both were dumb = ) I wish it wasn't so awkward. I have an accountability partner that I meet with twice a week so I'm good. I stay too busy to get in trouble besides that, I heard you were getting married? That's awesome! = ) " (um no i'm not)

we played soccer against each other in April and he tried to look at me
"I smiled at you at the end but you wanted to stare at the ground. Made me feel bad"
(shucks - trouble is I see through things that don't exist)
"I just want is to be on non awkward terms if were gonna live in the same town."
I told him he could move, it is a free country. After all, its not THAT small of a town.
"We don't have to hug but we shouldn't hate each other"
thanks, i'll keep that in mind.
Then he told me he prays for me and asks if there is anything he can pray for me... hahaha
Here he is again, on his mighty throne, PRAYING FOR ME. As if God listens to the prayers of the wicked. I email and tell him he hides behind God and what does he do? He hides behind God. Way to go. I bet he has really changed. Poor predictable adam. GET LOST.
I'm so happy without him and again, these doggies. they bring me joy far greater than any man has.

21 June 2009

Sigh, love is a beast....

Happy fathers day to any fathers out there.

Love is a beast. For me, love is a four letter word. Love is also a beast because it comes on four legs... In my world.

I admit. I loved a man that once loved me madly, but now simply admits the he "cares about me...." Sounds like the ultimate write-off to me.
I can do whatever I want to do because he was really busy... What does that mean? Once upon a time he told me he "loved me and would do anything for me no matter what he would make it work."
So for a while I freaked out and OBSESSED about this situation and what it meant, and over analyzed EVERY little word and detail of our interactions, convinced myself that it wasn't over, meanwhile I WAS DOING ALL OF THE WORK TO GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED, when he wanted it. But ONLY when he wanted it. I was available most of the time because that's all I did for a while was make myself available but keep myself busy.

So i played sports, LOTS and LOTS of sports, and then there is this PhD that i'm supposed to be working on right this very second.. Hold that thought, i'll pick up here in a minute.

BUT maybe this IS what i need to do for me. Back off, finish. Do my thing. Establish myself as a person before i get involved. You have to love yourself first right??

BUT, what is it with men. Telling you they'll give you the moon, but then suddenly...
do they freak out b/c they are afraid? do they only say those things for the obvious reason of them getting what they want.. Once they get it, what then??? Is the thrill of the chase over?
Do we need to start waiting longer? Do i need to hold out until marriage????
Did he mean any of the words he once said to me??? All the talk of love and a future together... why did it all suddenly change?
Nonetheless, i was so afraid of failing another relationship after a failed marriage, that i didn't listen to any of the warnings my brain threw my way early in the relationship.... I just wanted to succeed, despite the fact that he was not the right one.. Gladly i discovered he was not and was able to move forward with my life. wasting time on the next wrong guy....
But here's a point i thought to make:

"WHY BUY THE COW? " dad always says...

It's true. LADIES! We are giving away free milk here. Why do our men have ANY incentive to buy the cow???? There is none.

A female co-worker once told me, "Men will get away with as much bad behaviour as you will accept. They will test how badly they can treat you and still get away with it. "
Meaning, if my man treats me like crap, and I still keep him around, where is the incentive to stop treating me like crap?
Oh sure, you say, he'll change. No way. Men don't change, in fact, they only get worse. Yes men CAN change, BUT it will be because THEY want it to. Not because you want them to. Big difference.

We must put our foot down. Sure women are empowered and we can do and call whomever we please, BUT PLEASE, think about this. Men need to feel as though you are something worth catching. If you give yourself freely, well...
i don't know any of the answers....
My problem is that i love so hard, and i love endlessly, and i will love you no matter what, unless you beat me or mistreat me, but if you are afraid of love and cannot embrace it. If you are scared. Then you are not good for me, and eventually, my affection for you shall die... and with it you will also go. Never again allowed to toy with my emotion. You only get one shot in life, and i'm not wasting my precious time... He (any man) only gets one shot in my world.
Love is tough, but if you don't put it out there, if you don't allow it to happen. Well then i feel sorry for you. Because while heartache hurts, The power and emotion of loving and being loved, allowing those feelings is absolutely worth the risk of the tears. Because maybe just once, you will kiss the right Toad... Until then, there's a lot of men out there, Don't give up.
But don't let any may hold you back either. You can't hate yourself for loving too much. It is the nurturing woman inside of you. Just hold her back...you'll know when the time is right.
I hope.
Surely this cycle can't continue forever.